The Clarity to See and Stop This Now, That is What I've Earned

Last evening I was listening to some Ani DiFranco. No, this isn't a daily thing like it was in  high school. While her words still hold so much meaning to me, as a listener, I no longer feel compelled to tap into my emotions on a regular basis. Is this a good thing? Am I avoiding something? Maybe. Maybe I just haven't bothered to listen to a great number of things that I used to enjoy. While listening to Ani, I specifically made it a point to play a song by her that has always had some special meaning. "Manhole" is a song off one of her later albums, but it still has that powerful "YES!" appeal where you find yourself realizing that she's telling your story too. While my story may not be identical to what the song's story has to tell, I feel that there are certain elements that ring true.

I recently have found myself re-entering some sort of social world that I felt excluded from for a long time. The exclusion was my own doing, mind you, but it feels good to be making some new acquaintances. The thing that I wonder, with some of these new-found people and interactions, is what about me is different, and what about me has remained the same? I recently was told, by an old friend, some pretty horrible things about my character.There was a falling out with this person, and as with any falling out, they reserve the right to feel some negative emotions about me as a person. They are entitled to their opinion, and I wouldn't take that away from anyone. However, the power of words, when meant to be used as weapons, can truly crush a part of a person's spirit...if they allow it to. This lead me to evaluate how I handled myself in this given situation. The  high road is something that I always intend to take, but somehow along the way, my emotions get the best of me. I let my guard down and show a vulnerable side that, given the opportunity, could be an open door for someone's bad intentions. Ripping the Band-Aid off before the wound heals, so to speak. This time, I decided to not let it get the best of me. I didn't display the usual emotions, and I kept my responses simple. This lack of "old Jessica" behavior threw this individual off. I suppose I have been a rather predictable person when it comes to my inability to just let things go..

What I really want to get at, isn't a specific situation when someone has hurt my feelings. I want to be able to trust my ability to make sound decisions for myself that are based upon what is best. I am a mother, and my job is to take care of another human being. I look out for his best interest, make sure that he learns how to be a part of this world, and to keep him safe. Part of that responsibility includes taking care of myself. Apparently, even when you have a child to take care of, there are those who simply don't care how much of your energy that they suck away. It is my job, not only to take care of my child, but to take care of myself. That is something that I never realized or would probably do, but now that I am in this situation..I see it as a vital part of my survival. It's nobody's job, but my own, to look out for myself. I suppose it's high time I started doing it.

Ani Said It Best..

I stopped to wonder the other day, if the disconnect between being an individual woman and a mother was something that all women experienced after giving birth. Does the feeling of being a completely separate