A Letter of Rejection and Other General Failures

As negative as this blog's title may sound, I promise you that the content will not run with this theme entirely. While there is a lot to be stressed out about, there is even more to be thankful for. I understand and appreciate that, but for one tiny chunk of time, I need to let it all out. I suppose that this is a safe place to do that, considering nobody reads this anyhow...

When you finally discover what it is that drives you, makes you feel purposeful, and ultimately captures your attention, it can be a soul-crushing disappointment when it seems impossible to achieve/acquire/reach. In life I have never expected anything specific. I never had a dream of getting married, having children, living in some beautiful house with a dog running around the yard. I suppose that I imagined it would all work out. By "it" I mean life. Somehow, I just assumed that things would unfold in some form, but I never looked beyond the immediate happenings. The ability to work through difficult situations isn't something that is unfamiliar to me. I'm not saying that I've done it more or less than anyone, or in a way that is more effective. In fact, I know that many of my "methods" have proven to cause more harm than good most of the time. However, I simply have always taken the "look ahead until it passes by you like landscape on the horizon" approach. I coined that phrase myself, how about that?

The Clarity to See and Stop This Now, That is What I've Earned

Last evening I was listening to some Ani DiFranco. No, this isn't a daily thing like it was in  high school. While her words still hold so much meaning to me, as a listener, I no longer feel compelled to tap into my emotions on a regular basis. Is this a good thing? Am I avoiding something? Maybe. Maybe I just haven't bothered to listen to a great number of things that I used to enjoy. While listening to Ani, I specifically made it a point to play a song by her that has always had some special meaning. "Manhole" is a song off one of her later albums, but it still has that powerful "YES!" appeal where you find yourself realizing that she's telling your story too. While my story may not be identical to what the song's story has to tell, I feel that there are certain elements that ring true.

I recently have found myself re-entering some sort of social world that I felt excluded from for a long time. The exclusion was my own doing, mind you, but it feels good to be making some new acquaintances. The thing that I wonder, with some of these new-found people and interactions, is what about me is different, and what about me has remained the same? I recently was told, by an old friend, some pretty horrible things about my character.There was a falling out with this person, and as with any falling out, they reserve the right to feel some negative emotions about me as a person. They are entitled to their opinion, and I wouldn't take that away from anyone. However, the power of words, when meant to be used as weapons, can truly crush a part of a person's spirit...if they allow it to. This lead me to evaluate how I handled myself in this given situation. The  high road is something that I always intend to take, but somehow along the way, my emotions get the best of me. I let my guard down and show a vulnerable side that, given the opportunity, could be an open door for someone's bad intentions. Ripping the Band-Aid off before the wound heals, so to speak. This time, I decided to not let it get the best of me. I didn't display the usual emotions, and I kept my responses simple. This lack of "old Jessica" behavior threw this individual off. I suppose I have been a rather predictable person when it comes to my inability to just let things go..

What I really want to get at, isn't a specific situation when someone has hurt my feelings. I want to be able to trust my ability to make sound decisions for myself that are based upon what is best. I am a mother, and my job is to take care of another human being. I look out for his best interest, make sure that he learns how to be a part of this world, and to keep him safe. Part of that responsibility includes taking care of myself. Apparently, even when you have a child to take care of, there are those who simply don't care how much of your energy that they suck away. It is my job, not only to take care of my child, but to take care of myself. That is something that I never realized or would probably do, but now that I am in this situation..I see it as a vital part of my survival. It's nobody's job, but my own, to look out for myself. I suppose it's high time I started doing it.

Ani Said It Best..

I stopped to wonder the other day, if the disconnect between being an individual woman and a mother was something that all women experienced after giving birth. Does the feeling of being a completely separate

Robert Nash Bigelow

Four simple words with so much meaning. My good friend Michael Walker used to say these words at the end of every conversation we would have via phone, and they were plentiful. I can still hear his voice in my head perfectly after two years. The voice that I can't hear, and I don't know why, is that of my grandfather. My grandfather passed away on this date in 1991. I was only ten years old when this happened, but I recall the memory well. My family and I were watching Nick at Nite (back when that network aired shows other than Home Improvement and Roseanne for their "classic television" line-up) and the entire screen was green in honor of St. Patrick's Day. We got a phone call that would cut that fun family night short and change our lives forever. My grandfather was an amazing man with so many quirks and interesting personality traits. I remember having him sit back in his easy chair and pretend that he was getting his hair washed while we watched The Price is Right. He was always such a good sport about it, even with his 3 tufts of hair...

Why I remember Michael's voice and not not my grandfather's has a lot to do with the amount of time that they have been gone. Michael has been gone two years, whereas my grandfather has been gone for 20. Wait..is that right? 20 years? I have been without this person for more time than I was with him and yet the memories are still so vivid. I have been told that I have a ridiculously vivid memory to begin with, but I think that there is more to it than that. What I'm trying to say is that today is a day that I remember my grandfather. I'm not the most sentimental person, but after having a child that has *cough cough* slightly changed in some subtle ways. I think about the importance of anniversaries, birthdays and other monumental events with more of an urgency to remember and celebrate them than I have in the past. I suppose I'm no longer the one choking back tears at sad movies, avoiding funerals in order to not show public displays of emotion or skipping over days like today to eliminate any unpleasant thoughts that might enter my head. The fact is, in order to truly embrace the life that you have today, it is important to honor your past. Robert Nash Bigelow is the kind of person that I was, and still am, proud to call my Papa and even more honored to name my child after. Besides, if Miles ever goes into the music business he can drop the Hutchinson and simply be Miles Nash. Now what about that name doesn't scream touring musician?


While many may be slugging down their green beers today in honor of this Irish holiday we call St. Patrick's Day, I think I may skip that acid reflux battle that alcohol inevitably causes, and spend my time looking at old pictures. I know I have some of papa sitting in his favorite chair, pocket protector securely in place, waiting for his "favorite" grandchild to come and join him for next episode of Wheel of Fortune. That man loved his game shows.....

Happy St. Patrick's Day to you all.

Cover Girl

What is it about classic songs being covered that either gets your blood boiling ("THEY MASSACRED IT!!!") or makes you think "You know, this is almost as good as the original."? A cover song is hit or miss, especially when someone messes with a timeless classic. The following are some covers that I, Jessica Hutchinson, deem worthy of being a successful cover. Here goes...

#10) "Those Memories"-Brian Jonestown Massacre

Although Dolly does it so beautifully, the B.J.M does this song justice by adding the jangled up flair of their own sound. Reminiscent of the old garage sound and overall an appealing version of a hauntingly beautiful song.

#9) Guns of Brixton-Nouvelle Vague

 

I am a HUGE fan of Nouvelle Vague. Note: if you are inviting friends over for an impromptu dinner/cocktail party, throw on some Nouvelle Vague to be your soundtrack. It will always be a crowd pleaser and raise the question of, "Is this a cover of...(insert awesome song title here)?"

#8) Fell In Love With a Boy-Joss Stone

 

I know that a lot of people favor the original, as do I..but there is something very lovely about the female take on this song. I can get behind this cover 110%

#8) My Favorite Things-Bjork

 

Although the movie was haunting and seriously sad, I still can't forget this scene and Bjork's cover of this song. It goes from a chipper show tune to a dark...dark....swan song. Sorry to make the swan reference...Bjork...dress...fashion..yeah. 

#7) Wonderwall-Ryan Adams

 

Whenever I play this on a jukebox people always stop and listen. No matter who they are..young, old...I think it's the kind of song that brings people together. Sing-along anyone?

#6) Do You Wanna Dance?-The Ramones

 

It doesn't get much better than this. 'Nuff said.

#5) Enjoy The Silence-Tori Amos

 

Ms. Amos does it again. Only Tori could take an already haunting song and make it even more incredibly goose-bump inducing. Best track off from this concept album

#4) Ooh Child-Beth Orton

 

Ms. Orton's voice=heavenly. I can't even say anymore about this. Like floating on a cloud made out of her voice..it's very fluffy. You dig?

#3) I'm on Fire-Bat For Lashes

 

#2) Ghost of Tom Joad-Rage Against the Machine

 

I, sadly and embarrassingly, didn't know that this was even a cover until I was 18. 

#1) Because The Night-10,000 Maniacs

 

I can never get enough of this song.

There you have it folks. There are many more...but this is all for now.